Mr 6 has had a rocky relationship with sleep since he was 2 years old. Before that he was the perfect sleeper. I was that smug Mum who thought that because I was following the rules, my baby was sleeping. In my quest, I wanted to know why, not just sit back and accept that he just had trouble with sleep.
Alongside Mr 6’s trouble with sleep, other issues have also started to become more apparent. These issues were a bit of a chicken and the egg. Was it the lack of sleep which were causing the behavioural issues? Or was it the behavioural issues causing his trouble with sleeping? I’m not content with just wondering what if.
In the year before Mr 6 started school (he is in year 1 now) we saw a pediatric locum who tentatively said that she thought there was something other than just a lack of sleep at play. Especially when my son spent most of the appointment hopping around the office like a frog. However she was hesitant to investigate further because he hadn’t started school yet.
Fast forward 18 months and Mr 6 is a bundle of quirks. I struggle with how I feel about labeling him, if there is anything to label at all. Maybe there isn’t an explanation. Is it possible that I am seeing things as more than they are? I worry about doing nothing, and I worry about doing too much.
This year Mr 6 is a different kid when at school. He has gone from a kid who received an academic award on award’s night to a kid who will sit in class and do nothing. He hasn’t gone backwards, but he also isn’t really moving forward either. He fidgets, loses track of what he’s doing and gets anxious about making a mistake.
I wrote a few years ago about my frustration at him not saying hello or goodbye to people we met. This hasn’t changed, and has in fact gotten worse. With starting school it has become more apparent that he has a very small group of people who he will talk to. I don’t know if that is my doing, (oh he’s just shy) or if it is a sign of something else.
The pediatrician we saw last month threw a few ideas on the table. He noticed the change in the notes provided by his school and the observations noted by the previous locums. He wants more time and more observations before he commits to anything on paper. I don’t know how I will feel when we get that decision.
I remember my own desperation and then relief when chasing and then receiving a diagnosis for my mental health issues. Labels didn’t change who I was but they did give me answers. I had an explanation for how I felt. Maybe I am chasing an explanation for Mr 6 for my own selfish reasons right now. I just hope that those reasons will also make it easier for him to be himself in a world that shies away from quirks.
Do you think that a label for quirks does more harm than good?
Linking up with Jess for IBOT!
I think that you’re being a good mom in not letting him slip through the cracks.
I think it’s always important to take on the observations of the professionals like teachers. They know when to be concerned. A friend of mine ignored all the advice from kinder and primary teachers alerting her to the possibility that her child had autism. When he was diagnosed at 6, he had missed out on so much intervention and funding. If you’re ever doubtful, always checking is your best move. All the best. X
My friend has a son that souns similar- he just can’t focus, among other things. He was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD which explained so much. She tried elimination diets etc but what really has helped is therapy and medication. He’s so much better behaved and his school work has improved so much. I know it’s not the path for everyone but I think too many people avoid proper treatment when it can really help (not you- just in general!) Hope you get some answers soon.
Labels can help you box it all up in your head so you know where you stand – they can take out some of the frustration of what may seem disobedience/defiance etc. However, there’s also sometimes a down side to a label, in that people stop looking for causes, and maybe the label isn’t correct at all…no stance. I see both sides.
No because I think it helps to know what you are dealing with. Good on you for continuing to seek out answers x
I totally agree with Janet. Best of luck moving forward x
You hit the nail on the head when you say that your own diagnosis changed nothing of the person that you are. He is exactly who he is, regardless. In my opinion, labels are powerful in a good way. If there is a label to be had then a diagnosis is a gateway to getting supports in place for all of you. With the NDIS rolling out there is more financial support than ever and you can get help for him at school, and make sure that it is a good school for him. Maybe he is just quirky, and that’s ok too, or maybe there’s a reason, adn that’s ok too, for him just to be himself in the world. Big hugs x
Have they checked his hearing, tonsil size etc? I’m sure they have, and I don’t want to be one of ‘those people’ who thinks they know it all but one of my three had some similar issues, about the same age. He’s a little quirky also, my boy, I used to worry about it, but now I let it go. You’re a fab mum, you’ve got this T xx
I get this entirely. Your are doing the right thing, taking things slow ,with caution yet being open minded about the possibilities. Sometimes kids grow out of things, and quirks there one day are gone the next. Sometimes they don’t. Hope you have some answers soon x
I honestly don’t know the answer to that, Tegan. It’s something that I have struggled with myself over many years. I do know that as much as we put down the “he’ll grow out of it” approach by our own parents, so many of the things I used to worry about for my son are distant memories, despite always “waiting” to investigate them. So it would seem that, yes, many of the quirks he really did grow out of or learned to embrace and make work for him instead. But still… still… x
I would rather know. I think as long as you trust the dr investigating not to jump to conclusions (as seems to be the case for you) then what is the harm? It enables you to better understand Mr 6 regardless of a diagnosis or not and will equip you with appropriate tools and knowledge and less worrying about what ifs.
I always thought that labels disabled people. I felt that by branding someone we were putting them in a box that didn’t adequately celebrate their strengths.
But then an adult with dyslexia once told me what a relief it was to have a word to describe her learning difficulties. She felt less alone and less stupid.
So I now use the word for my boy and I have “labelled” him at school as a way to address his difficulties appropriately and be an advocate for others with similar challenges.
I still don’t know the answer though. In some ways he feels relieved to have a word to describe his difficulties and his eyes light up when he meets someone else with the same label.
But then again, he also feels a little sad that he has something that is different to his friends and wonders what he did to get this challenge. There are days he’d prefer to have not been labelled so he can just fly under the radar and cope in his own way.
I’m not sure there is an answer to the labels thing. I think we just have to continually celebrate our kids strengths and ensure they recognise them within themselves so that any challenges they have seem small and insignificant in comparison.
It must be hard and I can see what you mean. A friend of mine had the same dramas a few years ago. The school suggested they test their child for ASD and they didn’t want to because the label wouldn’t change who he was. In the end they did it and I think it made some things easier for others at least. If you knowing what’s going on will help you parent better, than it’s definitely a good thing. (Not saying you’re parenting badly – just that you mentioned a label might bring you some relief.) But you’ll do what’s right for him anyway I’m sure. You’re a good mum. xxx
My son has quirks too. He is socially awkward and gets overly fixated on things and these things have worried me in the past but he’s starting to grow out of the socially awkward stage. It’s hard not knowing whether you are meant to worry or not. You sound like a great mum for being so attentive! Better to worry and chase some answers and find out it’s nothing than to ignore it and then find out it’s something.
Dear Tegan, I understand where you are coming from. This is a really, really hard thing you are considering. Yet, by waiting what will be achieved? I used to think that a label was not ‘helpful’ but now I think it can be. Used with the right intention and for the best reasons. For your son to have the opportunities within the learning settings for his needs to be best met. So, I am in favour of continuing the process and having someone in his corner, you, is the best way forward. You are an awesome mum. Denyse #teamIBOT
I think you’re being a great parent by asking questions and seeking professional advice, because you just want the best for him, right? Plus, I’m a big believer that knowledge is power.
As someone in the job of providing labels, I do think it is helpful. Like you said, for a lot of people a label — a diagnosis — is an answer, an explanation. It doesn’t change things but at least they can focus on what to do about it rather than wondering what’s wrong with them and having low self-esteem and self worth as a result.
I love labels, big fan. Knowledge is power and all that. In the end all it is is a descriptive word, not a sentence or a prediction, just a word.
My daughter did all the things your son does when she was his age. They didn’t give diagnoses on kids when she was six, so I struggled to help her without any advice on what was going on. Two things transpired later. Firstly, and not for a second and I suggesting this for your child, she was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2, which is no mania, just depression and severe anxiety, she is now a stable adult due to her medications and talk therapy.
But the second thing is worth considering, and one I only just found out about for her is something called the Highly Sensitive Person. There is a questionnaire on line, just google it, and I sent it to her and she answered “every one of these refers to me.” HS people find the world overly stressful, so tags in clothes bothered her. She had trouble sleeping. She found talking to new people, or anyone really, horribly stressful and wouldn’t do it, and new foods, new experiences completely overwhelmed her. I wish I had known this when she was small so I could have made her more comfortable and secure, although I did everything I could at the time.
Val’s girl