I’ve been doing a lot of work in therapy this year on interpersonal relationships. This has gotten me thinking a lot too. I have been thinking about the correlation between what we think about ourselves, deep down and how we conduct ourselves and the flow on effect it has to other parts of life.
I don’t think particularly high of myself. It’s not complete hatred and thoughts of worthlessness anymore but there is still a lot of work to be done. I still don’t feel the love for myself, and it was kind of like an ‘aha’ moment laying in bed one night that made me realise just how much it manifests itself in other parts of my life. It made me realise how it impacts the things that I do and the way that I interact with others.
One of the ‘joys’ of Borderline is that I tend to put people up high, above myself. This gets me into trouble and it puts me in the position of not realising when people are just rotten. I am so eager to please, that I fail to see the shit people do and brush it under the rug because that is what I deserve. I am so worried about losing anyone, that I make allowances that are detrimental to other parts of my life.
People who have Borderline Personality Disorder also tend to wildly swing between valuing someone and devaluing them. I find it ‘easy’ to completely switch someone off. I subconsciously set tests for people to pass, but they don’t know the rules so they can never win. My anxiety says that people want to and will always leave me.
Then I look around, realise that I am losing the people who aren’t shit and it’s confusing. Something that I am working on is learning to trust my judgement and not feel that I am the only one to blame when a relationship goes sour. DBT helps me to look at a situation and realise that two people can be right when there is a friendship breakdown.
Seeing myself as less however doesn’t just extend to interpersonal relationships and how I portray myself to others. It also has an effect on how I take care of my possessions. It hit me one day that I take care of things that other people have bought me better than I do the things that I have saved and bought myself. I even have the subconscious thought that it’s mine so it doesn’t matter.
A thought that I have about myself often. It’s only me, what does it matter. I write my decisions off, I don’t put my thoughts forward and just kind of go with the flow when put on the spot. I pretend that it doesn’t matter, even if inside I am burning with rage. I want better for myself but I’m just not sure if I deserve it.
Do you suffer from the ‘not good enoughs’?
What do you do to prove your worth to yourself?
Linking up with Jess for IBOT!