Three posts in less than a week. I think I am finally feeling the blog love again. Maybe. Either way I am going with it while it lasts. It has been so long since I linked up with a linky party and I must confess that I have missed it. It’s such an easy way to keep in touch with the blogosphere.
This week Kirsty has posed the prompt ‘What is something you should not have done but did anyway’.
I have written before about the events that lead to me being in prison for 2 months. The recent tragedy in Port Lincoln has brought up a lot of feelings about that time in my life. I read article after article and comment sections filled with people imploring us to be mindful of the way we reacted because the father allegedly suffered from a mental illness.
I say allegedly only because he didn’t seek help, so had no formal diagnosis, despite urging from his loved ones. People were using this tragedy as a way to advocate for lacking mental health services. I respectfully disagree. From all accounts this man refused to seek help, this isn’t a failing of the system, it may be a failing of society if stigma was stopping him from seeking help, but the system cannot fail if it is not used.
When I was arrested and subsequently charged with attempted armed robbery, the severely lacking mental health system wasn’t the only thing at play. I was hell bent on killing myself and it had created a one track train of thinking. Yet I never contemplated taking anyone with me. I thought my family and friends would be better off without me in their world, I didn’t want to bring them into the darkness with me.
Someone told me in the comments on my Facebook Page that I couldn’t possibly understand what drove this man to kill his children, as well as himself. In one part she was right, I look at Mr 6 and I couldn’t fathom hurting him like that. However on the other hand I know that desperation that comes when you think that the world would be better off without you on it. I know the things you do, that make you sick to your stomach when you are well. I know.
Deep down I knew what I was doing was wrong, and that I would be punished. I don’t even know if I really believed if I would get what I wanted. I think that I walked into a place where I was known because I knew that they would help. I just wanted the pain to stop.