I read this Tumblr post and it hit my right in the soft spot. The feels that is. I try to put forward this persona of not being affected by things, but this one snuck right underneath the barriers when I wasn’t watching. It hit me somewhere that I haven’t thought about in great detail for years.
The post is about eating disorders and what they really are. I have never seen a more encompassing piece of writing about eating disorders. Of course everyone’s experience is different, but it was interested that when a friend shared it on her FB wall, there was a decent amount of head nodding.
I’ve talked about the obsession I had around food, about the feeling that, that obsession created in me. However that was just skimming the surface, it didn’t talk about how I really felt for those years that I suffered/suffer from disordered eating. I still don’t have a good relationship with food and the way that it makes me feel. I laugh it off, but in the dark, when I’m alone, the reality comes back to bite me in the arse.
We all have that little voice in our head. The voice of reason, and for people who have a healthy self esteem, this voice is more like an internal cheer leader. My voice seemed to miss class that day. She is nasty, brutal and is more than likely the reason behind my need to justify my decisions.
There was a while when I gave that voice a name. I can’t remember the name off the top of my head now, and I don’t wish to go delving through my journals to find it. However I do know that giving that internal voice a name meant that I had given her power. I was allowing her control, where she had no business being in control.
This may sound strange, like I wasn’t in touch with reality and for a while I wasn’t. This disconnect however is all part and parcel of having BPD. I believed that my mind and body were entirely separate beings. I had the belief that my mind was strong, and I (the body) was weak. It was this belief that fueled a lot of my self harm, the body was weak and needed to be punished.
I still have that voice. She still has most of the power over me. I still find myself internally justifying everything I do to her. However I know that she is a part of me. I know that we aren’t separate and that it is simply my low self esteem having a voice. Maybe this distinction is what allows me to dismiss some of the things that the little voice says.
Is your inner voice a cheerleader?
My inner voice is a bitch. There’s no other way to describe it, in fact it sounds very much like yours. It has always told me that I’m not good enough (to eat, to look after myself, to do anything really). Some days, the good ones, I have two – the bitch and the bitch’s bitch (bitchy to the bitch, nice to me). Gets confusing.
I’ve read that post, too, and it’s the best description/explanation I’ve ever heard or read.
Thanks for the insight, Tegan. Yep, my inner voice can be a mega bitch too. It’s hard to push her down some days.
I love that you called the positive voice a cheerleader 🙂
That’s what I call it too.
Coz everyone needs a cheerleader in their life ….
Leanne @ Deep Fried Fruit
No, my inner voice isn’t a cheer leader but my intellect is bossy as forthright so I’ve told it to start saying “Why not me?” back to the inner voice….
Love this. Love your honesty Tegan.
My inner voice is drowned out with screaming kids. I try not too listen to it anyway,
I think we all have an inner bitch but also an inner cheerleader. Maybe we can never get rid of the bitch, but we can drown her out with our cheers. Once you have that awareness, which you do, then at least you can work on the volume of the good vs bad.
My inner voice is working on it. She’s not been as supportive as I’ve needed in the past but that’s changing. Not quite a cheerleader, but getting there! Love the honesty of this post Tegan x
My inner voice doesn’t like me doing anything too new or beyond my comfort zone. She likes to speak up around then!! Always with the same boring old stuff!!! x
I think I may have a few inner voices? One that guides me through life and gets me to where I need to be, where I should be and all good things come. Then the other inner voice that tells me to stop right there and demands me to answer “who do you think you are?” I’m trying hard to listen to one and not the other xx
I think balancing those inner voices is the trickiest part, Tegan x
My inner voice is certainly not a cheerleader and after a life of anorexia, bulimia and binge eating I COMPLETELY agree that eating disorders generally have very little to do with food/weight!
I have inner voices that I listen to. One I give power to, the other I dismiss when I can. I agree there is more to eating disorders than merely the act or non act of eating food.
My inner voice has multiple personalities and they often don’t get along. For the most part though she is encouraging and tells me to suck it up and get on with things!
My voice missed class too that day. I wish it cheered me on a lot more, and I’m getting better at ignoring it, but it’s hard work sometimes.
I hope your inner voice changes Tegan. It would be good to see her with some pom-poms. xx
You really write from the heart Tegan. Thank you! I don’t really give my inner negative voice the time of day any more. She definitely had more power when I was in my teens and twenties, and probably even my thirties. There is a definite clarity which comes with age and it seems to help you cut through a lot of your internal crap. There has to be something good about getting older hey!?
My inner voice is a mean cow that uses all the horrible things people have said about me since I was a kid and hurls then back at me when I’m feeling tired, low or PMS. I do try and not listen but it’s not always easy.
My inner voice is a work in progress too. I’ve been very aware of the importance of avoiding a negative self-dialogue for over a decade and I will pull myself up and positively reframe where I can. I think it’s really important.
My inner voice has been given a LOT of training over the years. It’s tendency is to tell me about things I CAN’T do, rather than CAN. Or WILL. But like anything that can be improved, awareness and the long haul are the important things for me. #teamIBOT