This week Kirsty is asking us what we would outsource if we could. I would love to outsource all of the usual stuff, housework, cooking, housework, the bedtime routine, housework. Have I mention I don’t like housework?
Jokes aside though, if I could outsource anything it would be a close tie between my decision making and just having someone to take my brain for a few hours. Although I guess those two could intertwine.
Deep down I don’t think I could give up my decision making completely. I am a bit of a control freak and I don’t think I could handle having absolutely no say in the way that my life goes. I already feel a little helpless with most it now, I don’t think I could give up that last little bit of control.
However if there was a way that I could just take my brain out, put it in a bowl next to my bed for the night and go to sleep then I would be first to sign up for it! I would even settle for something like the bowl in Harry Potter where Dumbledore draws his memories out of his head with his wand. It would also be super helpful for therapy sessions to just hand the bowl over and have all of your painful, life changing memories in one place.
I have been struggling to get to sleep lately, this is nothing new for me though. I lay in bed thinking about all of the stupid things I have said and done that day, everyday. It would be amazing the mortifying things I can remember..if it wasn’t all so hurtful.
I would love to be able to just switch it all off for a few hours. I hate the constant chatter inside my head. Some days it feels like I can’t do anything without the thoughts trailing off to something unpleasant. I feel tortured by my mind. I put the pillow over my head, squeeze my eyes shut tighter, willing the thoughts away. The only thing this does is make them more prevalent. Have you noticed the more you try not to think or feel something, the more you struggle with it?
I want to escape but I know that that won’t help in the long run. I know that the same things will happen over and over again unless I work through them. I know that the ostrich approach of sticking my head in the sand won’t make one iota of difference. Running away will only give me short term gain with long term pain. I will always be looking over my shoulder, waiting for it all to catch up with me again.
So maybe I will just stick to outsourcing the practical stuff..now to just win the lotto so I can afford that house cleaner and cook!