When I was 18 I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). One of the symptoms is unstable interpersonal relationships, which is just fancy jargon for saying that people with BPD kind of suck at interacting with other people. Unfortunately I’m no exception.
A catch phrase that is used often with people who have BPD is ‘I hate you, don’t leave me’. That is, that their fear of rejection is so strong that they often push a person away because they are convinced that they will eventually leave. This is at odds with their intense need to love and be loved.
Contrary to the persona that I often portray both in the online world and in real life..I have a very thin emotional skin. I feel things intensely, so intense that they feel overwhelming, raw and uncontrollable. These feelings scare me because they can cause me to do things that are completely out of character. Things that I do on the spur of the moment, without a thought to the consequences, which are often dire.
My feelings are like a pendulum swinging, there is no in between, there is only one extreme to the other. I can love someone with everything in my heart, or I can hate them until it consumes me. There is rarely an in between, another joy of being BPD is often seeing things in black and white. This is hard, especially in a world that is filled with shades of grey.
I often struggle with love, of feeling this wonderful sensation that is impossible to put into words. I struggle because I also feel this whole other range of emotions for the same person, I struggle to understand how a person really can love me warts and all. Maybe that is more to do with self esteem and less to do with BPD.
Accepting love is something that I am working on. Filtering my emotions is something harder than feels like an uphill battle. I don’t want to live in extremes. I just want to love, be loved and feel no guilt about it at all.
Do you have trouble accepting love?