I’ve been having trouble sleeping for the last few weeks. I’ve talked about what sleep deprivation does to me before. It’s not pretty. It came to head this week after not getting any sleep for 2 days. Mental Health’s solution was for me to take an anti-psychotic, a drug that also has the side effect of being sedative.
Had it been 5-6 years ago I would have taken the pill without a second thought, glad for the enveloping darkness of sleep. Now I am a little more hesitant. I’m hesitant about the side effects that a sleep of nothingness causes. Our conversation seemed to become one sided once I had said that I wouldn’t be taking a sedative.
Since having Mr 4, I have been more hesitant about the medications I take. Only starting a new one when Paul is here, paying close attention to the side effects it causes. I’ve been in ‘the system’ for over 11 years, I’ve been on nearly every medication there is. While before Mr 4 I would have been happy to take a sedative, happy to spend the days in bed or walking around in a foggy haze, that’s just not viable anymore. I am already tuned out, I don’t need drugs making the situation worse.
My ability to parent Mr 4 isn’t the only thing affected by me taking sedatives. The medication takes me too far the other way. I want the thoughts to go away, but they make everything so slow I feel like I am wading through quick sand. Imagine a brain so foggy that even simple tasks become mammoth efforts. My brain just doesn’t work.
Two things that I use to keep myself out of crisis mode are reading and writing. I can’t do either while on sedatives. It’s like a constant writers block. I just stare at the page, cursor mocking me with it’s blinking into nothingness. Reading feels like my brain is on idle. The words blend together, never sinking in. I reread the same sentence over and over again, hoping it will make sense. A book that would normally takes me days, takes months. Somethings got to give when the positive coping mechanisms are being wiped out.
There are many people who can lead perfectly normal, stable lives while taking anti-psychotics. I am not one of them. Maybe I am more sensitive to the properties of the medication, I don’t know. I just know that they don’t work.
The preceding story is my personal experience with sedatives. It is not meant to be taken as medical advice. If you are having issues with your medications side effects, please speak to your doctor.
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