Have you suffered or suffer from Anxiety? I’ve never had a full blown panic attack thankfully but have always had twinges of it lapping at the surface. The last two weeks is the worst that it has ever been. You know the feeling you get at the pit of your stomach when you are nervous, that usually goes away? For me that is what anxiety is, but it doesn’t go away. It keeps gnawing at my insides, twisting them into giant knots.
I lay in bed thinking for hours on end. Never going to bed before midnight because what is the point if I am going to lie there staring at the ceiling. Laying there anyway. Thinking about everything and nothing all at once.
I write things down, trying untangle the web, loosen the knots but it only serves to further strengthen the grip. A to do list that is never done, money that never quite stretches far enough, a house that is never clean, a child that needs attention I don’t have.
I’ve been doing the little things, ignoring the rest. Doing things that help me feel *done*, moving towards a place when all of the things will be little. Waiting for the medication to keep working. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
Writing this down, admitting that things aren’t as well as I’d hoped they are by now, helps. It is almost as if admitting it makes it ok, because really deep down I know that it is. I *know* that this won’t last forever, really I do. I’m just having a hard time at the moment seeing the tunnel, the light is still a long way in the future yet.
A bit of a dreary one for I must confess this week sorry. I hope that you are all doing better this Monday. Here is to a brand new week!