I must confess…giant ball of anxiety

anxietyI took this photo on Friday.  It wasn’t until then that I realised how utterly exhausted I am.

Have you suffered or suffer from Anxiety? I’ve never had a full blown panic attack thankfully but have always had twinges of it lapping at the surface.  The last two weeks is the worst that it has ever been.  You know the feeling you get at the pit of your stomach when you are nervous, that usually goes away?  For me that is what anxiety is, but it doesn’t go away.  It keeps gnawing at my insides, twisting them into giant knots.

I lay in bed thinking for hours on end.  Never going to bed before midnight because what is the point if I am going to lie there staring at the ceiling.  Laying there anyway.  Thinking about everything and nothing all at once.

I write things down, trying untangle the web, loosen the knots but it only serves to further strengthen the grip.  A to do list that is never done, money that never quite stretches far enough, a house that is never clean, a child that needs attention I don’t have.

I’ve been doing the little things, ignoring the rest.  Doing things that help me feel *done*, moving towards a place when all of the things will be little.  Waiting for the medication to keep working.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Writing this down, admitting that things aren’t as well as I’d hoped they are by now, helps.  It is almost as if admitting it makes it ok, because really deep down I know that it is.  I *know* that this won’t last forever, really I do.  I’m just having a hard time at the moment seeing the tunnel, the light is still a long way in the future yet.

A bit of a dreary one for I must confess this week sorry.  I hope that you are all doing better this Monday.  Here is to a brand new week!

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29 thoughts on “I must confess…giant ball of anxiety

  1. Me

    I;m so sorry to hear that the anxiety has been creeping up again. I know how debilitating it can be.
    When I first started having anxiety attacks I went and saw a psychologist and she gave me some really good tips on how to deal with the attacks and be strong enough to carry on with what I needed to do. I found them really useful. I think that now that my hormones are more under control, the anxiety attacks have certainly improved.
    Sending heaps of love, hugs and positive energy !
    Me

    Reply
    1. Musings of the Misguided Post author

      I certainly feel much more able to deal with the anxiety since seeing a psychologist.

      Reply
  2. Jodie@FreshHomeCook

    Oh Tegan – anxiety can be such a soul crusher – so sorry to hear you are caught in that spiral at the moment. I used to have full blown panic attacks – couldn’t even get through things like a grocery shop without freaking out over which brand to buy, even when I had been using the same one for years – it was so shitful. It can get such a maniacal grip if don’t recognise it.

    Good on you for recognising & talking (writing) about it! Small steps will take you to the end of the tunnel & big strides will come when you need them! 🙂

    Reply
    1. Musings of the Misguided Post author

      Thanks Jodie! I’m glad to hear that you are out of the grips of anxiety. It can feel like the weight of the world is crushing you down. Not a feeling I would wish on my worst enemy.

      Reply
  3. Lisa aka lybliss

    I am no stranger to those feelings and just like you, I don’t seem to realise how far down the rabbit hole I’ve sunk until I’m nearly at the bottom. Yes this will get better. It will. Just keep taking those little baby steps and be kind to yourself. You are doing such an awesome job even just getting up each day and making the effort to try.
    xxxx

    Reply
    1. Musings of the Misguided Post author

      Thank you Lisa, I am concentrating on one step at a time. Congratulating myself on the little stuff because I hope that eventually it will all be little stuff.

      Reply
  4. Lisa@Circle of Toast

    I’ve been in that place, too – and like you, I knew that this feeling wouldn’t last forever, but it was still so hard at the time. All you can do is wait it out – keep writing, if that helps, and just be very gentle with yourself. I used to go to bed and lie awake for hours, so I started sitting up and reading instead, it took my mind off being awake, and helped calm me down to the point where I could finally sleep. Take care xoxo

    Reply
    1. Musings of the Misguided Post author

      I have started reading again too and it certainly helps. Much better to lay awake thinking about what the next part of my book could be about than worrying about anything else. Losing myself in a good book has always been a favourite past time. One that I don’t get to do nearly enough anymore.

      Reply
  5. lisa

    Big hugs to you. Hope you can get through this wave of anxiety. Glad you are trying to acknowledge & deal with it by baby steps (reading)…hang in there.x

    Reply
  6. Robomum

    T, I’m sorry you’ve had such a crappy couple of weeks. Might take a while to pass but hopefully you’re through the worst of it. You’re awesome! Lot’s of good vibes to you. X

    Reply
  7. Vanessa @ babblingbandit.me

    Yuck, anxiety! Sorry you’re going through it. I’ve had a shocker for the last couple of months with my mood. My meds have been adjusted and will continue to be adjusted over the next little while I think as my doctor has recently changed my diagnosis to Bipolar II. While I’m feeling better than I did a couple of weeks ago I still feel the rapid cycling of my mood from happy to so low to extreme anxiety. It is crazy.

    Anyway, enough about me! I hope you feel better soon. I just try to remember “this too shall pass”.

    V.

    Reply
    1. Musings of the Misguided Post author

      I have just had another med added to the mix so we will see what the effect of it is. Let’s hope that we are both riding the high wave soon.

      Reply
  8. Kirsty @ My Home Truths

    I completely understand this Tegan – the knot in my stomach has only just recently started to ease but I’m still having trouble sleeping and it doesn’t take a lot to make me feel strung out again. Hugs to you and I really hope you find your way out of the anxiety web soon xx

    Reply
    1. Musings of the Misguided Post author

      Not sleeping I think is doing the most damage. It’s hard to function to our full potential when we are running on empty.

      Reply
  9. Katrina

    I’m sorry to read how bad it’s been for you lately. I love how honest you are though. I love that you can see and acknowledge what you’re going through in this way and hope it helps you come out the other side. I hope you have good support around you.
    My offer for a listening ear (or set if eyes as it may be) is always here for you x

    Reply
    1. Musings of the Misguided Post author

      Thanks Katrina. I have some pretty awesome friends so I am pretty lucky to have great support.

      Reply
  10. Dannie (A Dose of Dannie)

    I do understand i also suffer attacks of anxiety! Last time (5 months ago ) I was taken to hospital for a severe attack . I do try and take each day as it comes. it’s hard. Thank goodness for my shrink i say she is there for me even when i call her if it is at 4am.

    Reply
  11. Oculus Mundi

    Unfortunately, due to the damage done to my hippocampus by living in a highly stressful environment during my formative years ( http://m.theage.com.au/national/health/a-toxic-legacy-20130706-2pj5z.html ) anxiety will always be an issue for me. I try to avoid stressors now, as much as possible. It took me a full year to recover from crippling anxiety issues, brought on by years of work and personal stress, which plummeted me into a three month suicidal depression. It was the worst I have ever been and I have been climbing slowly out of that pit since early 2012.

    Yes, you look flat as a tack and pretty much wrung out in that picture. Saying that, you do have lovely eyes, ‘scuse me taking a slight detour there!

    I know you are pretty well versed in all the techniques to help with anxiety, so won’t teach my grandmother how to suck eggs, as the saying goes (though why grans ever sucked eggs is somewhat a mystery). Just wish you well and hope things get easier for you. xo

    Reply
    1. Musings of the Misguided Post author

      It’s always interesting to read things on how our environments can have an effect on the way our adult brains cope with stress and other emotions. One of the things I am working on in DBT is emotion regulation and how it can help to dampen the effects it has. My psychologist says that borderlines are characterised by their inability to process emotions that were not supported and validated by people they saw as influential in their life. It’s where the black and white thinking comes out to play, the thought of it’s completely horrible, or it’s completely awesome.

      Thanks for the complement about my eyes. My eyes are actually my favourite feature.

      Reply
  12. Mystery Case

    Know where you are coming from and wondering if social media and blogging is helping or a hindrance? Hoping you are having a better time and you have my email if you want to chat.

    Raychx

    Reply
    1. Musings of the Misguided Post author

      Thanks Raych. I think that social media and blogging definitely has an effect and it’s about finding the balance that means that it helps more than it hinders.

      Reply
  13. kirsty mackenzie

    Well my Dear, I propose that you and I and any other overworked Mum out there, gather up our essentials and have a girl’s day/night!!
    I am in the exact same place at the moment, I keep saying ‘I can’t do this – I can’t do anymore” but I keep doing it!!
    I totally understand and all the advice in the world does not help, we will work it out in the end, but maybe, if all the responsibilities will let us, we should just go to a place where we can be by ourselves and enjoy something that we want to.
    xx

    Reply
    1. Musings of the Misguided Post author

      If I lived closer it would be awesome! Although now that you talk about having a girl night, I am actually having a weekend away with my best friend this weekend. Something that is definitely needed and I am looking forward to.

      Reply
  14. Jen Hale

    The mind is not an easy thing to control. It’s easier said than done. I’ve been working with a psychologist for 4 years now and I don’t intend to ever stop. Not sleeping is quite challenging and does really affect you. You will get there. As we all will. I’m on the other spectrum than you mums, I’m single and still can’t cope with life. It’s the weird stuff we go through as a child that impacts us. I think you need to remember how far you have come. You are someone I admire in many ways. You’re a blogging superstar to me!!!

    Reply
  15. Bronnie

    You poor thing, I DO suffer from anxiety, and I relate very much to your description of it. Anxiety can be so debilitating and so ever-present. I am glad you are writing about it and sharing though – there is something therapeutic in that I think. And of course, dealing with it rather than trying to ignore it. I think it’s a great I must confess, and you’ve probably helped a lot of people. Be kind to yourself. x

    Reply

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