It’s raining here today. I hate the rain. The rain doesn’t bring me joy. It makes me want to curl up in a ball…at least more than usual. The rain makes me hate the world..it makes me edgy and irritable.
I started a new medication..it has taken me from despair to flat. It’s an improvement for now. I’m sleeping but feeling no effects. Devil Spawn seems to be sleeping better, so I am not having interrupted sleep patterns..and still I feel like sleeping all of the time. My iron is probably ridiculously low again..I start the supplements and then fell worse..I feel like I cannot win.
The television has become my babysitter. I know I can do better. I know he deserves better. I just can’t bring myself to do it. It’s easier to hide and pretend it doesn’t exist. To ignore the signs, the hole I am digger myself into, is easier, not better, but easier than making an effort.
I’m doing things behind the scenes..making little steps when I can. I utilise the energy when it comes, laying off when it doesn’t. Getting rid of the shoulda, woulda, coulda. Taking each day as it comes instead of worrying that not everyday is a step in the right direction. I realise that some days it is one step forward, two steps back and that’s ok because tomorrow is another day. It’s another chance to get it right, another do over. I’m not perfect and I don’t pretend to be. I’m doing the best that I can and that is OK