I’ve made no secret of the fact that I am struggling lately. Things have started to take an all new ‘low’ though and something has to give.
I’m barely making the basic living needs of both Devil Spawn and I. I am barely able to get out of bed each morning. This shit is mother fucking hard and I’m sick of everything being an effort.
I nap most of the day, to avoid the reality that is my life at the moment. I close my eyes and pretend it doesn’t exist. I ignore Devil Spawn. It’s just too hard. Then I stay awake most of the night, relishing the alone time. If Devil spawn has gone to sleep at a reasonable time that is.
I struggle to cook dinner. Devil Spawn and I are living mostly on a diet of take away and sandwiches. This is not something I am proud of. I do want to change it. I’m taking small steps. Teeny, tiny smaller than baby steps. It’s just so hard when your entire body feels like it is made of cement. It’s an effort just to get up.
Personal hygiene has fallen to the wayside. Anything that takes too much energy is cast aside. I feel dirty. I don’t care. I don’t see the point. I don’t care enough about myself. If I could I would stay in bed all day, in my pyjamas, staring at the ceiling. I’m done. I can’t do it.
Today was the first day in a long time that the feelings bordered on unbearable. I relied on closing my eyes and pretending the world didn’t exist. I contemplated hurting myself. I felt sick at the thought. I hung onto that feeling. It didn’t help. I scoured the house, looking for something to use as a ‘bandage’. My perfection, the only thing stepping in the way. I held onto that thought for dear life. I considered calling the Crisis Team and we all know how fruitless that would have been. That is how ‘real’ shit got. It was unbearable. The only thing that kept me going was my ability to close my eyes…pretend it didn’t exist.
I’m holding on by a thread. Things have to change. I just don’t know how.