Unfortunately sometimes in life it takes a big event for people to show their true colours.  It can feel like a slap in the face and hindsight is a bitch.
It can really be a knock to your self esteem.  I’ve started to wonder if it’s something I do that attracts these kind of people.  The kind of people who will hug you with one hand and stab you in the back with the other.  Do I invite these people or am I just not perceptive enough to see the true colours that lurk beneath the surface? Or are these people so cunning that they hide their true colours until a situation arises that forces their real personality to the surface?
For the duration of 2012 I have been an angry ball of fury.  Everyone and everything got on my nerves.  Life became an unbearable pit of anger. I hated leaving the house because everything pissed me off and I was constantly on edge.  A scowl was a permanent fixture on my face and I wasn’t very approachable.  I thought I needed new meds.  I think a lot of it was down to the fact that I was in fact surrounded by arseholes.
I’ve had a facebook acc since 2007. It wasn’t until this year that it started to become more of a burden than a help.  It made me paranoid and untrusting as knives were coming from every direction and I didn’t know who was throwing them.  It revealed it’s underbelly of gossip and back stabbing behaviour and I didn’t like it.  I spent more time worrying and talking about the latest drama that had happened on facebook instead of focusing on my own life and bettering myself. 
Then a few weeks ago an incident happened.  An incident that I do not wish to go into detail about on here because I am trying to put it behind me and not dwell on it anymore.  My group of friends were supportive during this time…until some of them weren’t.  Actions started to become underhanded and immoral behaviours were expected to be forgiven and forgotten.  It wasn’t that simple, it’s never that simple.  A small group began to form who supported and excused the incident.  Saying that I didn’t know the full story, despite me being the only person in the group who was there when the incident occured.  It all came to a head and I thought fuck it and did a friends list cull.
The weight off my shoulders and out of my mind was immense. I left mutual groups, so had no reason to interact at all.  I suddenly felt my brow start to uncrease.  I felt my shoulders to to unhunch.  I felt the ball of fury becoming smaller as each day passed.  Facebook has become a safe haven again. It has become somewhere that I can vent and talk to my friends withouth having to worry about a game of chinese whispers. 
So before you decide that you are an angry person with a problem or a person deserving of the treatment they receive, first make sure that the people you are surrounding yourself with aren’t putting those behaviours in your psyche.  Be who you are and you will find people who let your real personality and nature shine. 

3 thoughts on “Hindsight

  1. Jules

    Oh Tegan you’ve totally hit the nail on the head. I’ve been through what I call walking on egg shells and being edgy then realising it’s the people around me, not family but so called friends. After a painful ‘cull’ I’m now finding friends who ‘get me’. They laugh when I laugh and there are no knives hidden in their pockets.
    Admittedly they are fewer, but I’m happier, my journey is happier and my FB is no longer a nosey peep hole for the enjoyment of the few nasties.
    Well done, I hope it all looks up from here for you.
    Welcome to BAM.


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