DS has been sleeping like an absolute shit head for the last
seems like forever few months. Most nights I wonder if he is trying to kill me by sleep deprivation.
Some places have been known to use sleep deprivation as a method of torture. Mothers everywhere endure it all the time. We’re told to take a cup of cement and suck it up. We have to go about our day pretending that we are functioning human beings.
Before DS I couldn’t sleep for 5 days. 5 days of utter hell. 5 days of sandpaper eyes. 5 days of snapping psyche. 5 days of writing. The only relief was a dr who finally believed me when I said I wasn’t a drug chaser, I was just tired and couldn’t sleep. It had taken me 3 nights of sitting at ED, only to be told you are a drug addict, go away, to get to that point. I was delirious and probably looked like I was high as a kite.
I can sometimes find myself returning to that state when we are surviving on 6 hours of broken sleep. My psyche seems so much more fragile now. The smallest thing makes me snap. I can feel myself spiralling. I can feel myself wanting to run away.
DP told me on the weekend that I just need to calm the fuck down. He doesn’t have a clue what the shit I put up with on a regular basis is. He sees a snap shot. His idea of ‘helping’ is playing with Dyllan while I do every-fucking-thing else. I can’t even have a shower on my own, ever. DP complains that I don’t let him go to the toilet by himself while we are at his place. After I death stare him into the ground I utter 4 simple words. Welcome. To. My. World.
We are seeing a child health nurse who I am hoping will help us with the sleep dodging. I’m willing to try anything at this stage. Absolutely anything.