A few weeks ago an article popped up on my Facebook news feed called 13 Sad-but-true reasons I’m apologising to my baby. When I saw it, I didn’t read it. I didn’t read it because it made me feel guilty, it made me feel things that I didn’t really want to feel, because it made me think about things that I didn’t want to. Avoidance for the win!
I’m not OK. I have been telling people that I am fine. That it is just the same shit on a different day. I don’t know if that is true or if my mind is playing tricks on me. I don’t know if I am catastrophising but I look around and maybe I’m not.Depression has been kicking my but for a while. I have been feeling the all encompassing fog for months, years. I have been kidding myself, saying that I was getting better. I just needed to try more, I needed to do more. If I just did x then I would get y. I said I was making progress when I was treading water. I’ve been afraid.
Children, especially young ones, are walking sponges. When you think they aren’t paying attention, they are taking in everything you say. They don’t understand tone and sarcasm, instead taking you at your word. They forget that you asked them to clean their room but you can be sure that they remember verbatim when you told them you’d buy an ice-cream at the shops.
There are some days when I feel that we are being bombarded with platitudes telling us to be grateful for what we have. There are endless quotes that say we need to remember what we have because there are people who have less. Well I am sick of it.
For a long time I believed that my mind and body were two separate beings. I believed that the mind was in control and that my body was weak. I believed that my body needed to be punished in order to remind it that it was so weak. I also believed that I was a third separate being who watched this tug of war as if from above. Man that sounds all so bizarre when I read it back. It doesn’t feel logical, but that is the trouble with mental illness, not much is really logical. One of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder is an unstable sense of self and the beliefs of the separation of mind and body was most likely how this manifested it self for me. I still have an unstable sense of self, but it has manifested itself in different ways.