I’ve been doing a lot of work in therapy this year on interpersonal relationships. This has gotten me thinking a lot too. I have been thinking about the correlation between what we think about ourselves, deep down and how we conduct ourselves and the flow on effect it has to other parts of life.
Are you an introvert or an extrovert? This question feels like it is the be all and end all of social interaction. Everyone must fit into those two very distinct boxes. There is no room for different. I have proudly proclaimed that I am an introvert. Am I really though? Or is it possible to be an extroverted introvert? My feelings about social interaction are complicated. An increase in anxiety, which has seeped into the way that I interact with the world means that I am very firmly in the introvert camp at the moment. I do feel at times though that maybe it is a forced label, that I am being held in the camp against my will.
Last week I wrote about how a technical stuff up meant that I was without a mobile for most of the week. I spent most of the week hanging out in their store waiting for answers. These answers weren’t always what I wanted. My experience taught me a lot about patience and the importance of effective communication skills.I did worry that maybe my lack of reaction was another symptom of my depression and exhaustion. I was so used to the rage bubbling up and spilling over the top that this reaction was so foreign to me. It didn’t occur to me that maybe this was an OK reaction, that I didn’t always have to fight fire with with a raging inferno.
When I first started this blog I didn’t reveal what mental illness I had been diagnosed with. I left it as a kind of vague depression with self harm tendencies. I was worried about revealing that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. I was buying into the stigma that I was fighting. There was also the worry that I would be boxed in by my diagnosis.For many years I struggled with my sense of self and where my place is in the world. My place in this world is something I still struggle with but I don’t struggle so much anymore with the who I am as person. I struggle with naming positive attributes, but I know who I am. However recently I am finding that the anxiety that has become my newest BFF has plunged me back into a place of doubt.
*The following post talks about self harm and may be triggering. Please ensure you are in a safe place before reading. If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm please speak to a mental health professional or your GP*
This year it has been 13 years since I started self harming. People believe that if you don’t actively self harm anymore then you shouldn’t really say that you are a self harmer or a person who self harms. However I think of the action of self harming as an addiction, and so it is something that I have to work hard to not engage in.