Are you an introvert or an extrovert? This question feels like it is the be all and end all of social interaction. Everyone must fit into those two very distinct boxes. There is no room for different. I have proudly proclaimed that I am an introvert. Am I really though? Or is it possible to be an extroverted introvert? My feelings about social interaction are complicated. An increase in anxiety, which has seeped into the way that I interact with the world means that I am very firmly in the introvert camp at the moment. I do feel at times though that maybe it is a forced label, that I am being held in the camp against my will.
Last week I wrote about how a technical stuff up meant that I was without a mobile for most of the week. I spent most of the week hanging out in their store waiting for answers. These answers weren’t always what I wanted. My experience taught me a lot about patience and the importance of effective communication skills.I did worry that maybe my lack of reaction was another symptom of my depression and exhaustion. I was so used to the rage bubbling up and spilling over the top that this reaction was so foreign to me. It didn’t occur to me that maybe this was an OK reaction, that I didn’t always have to fight fire with with a raging inferno.
This week Kirsty has asked us to confess to our biggest strength. I have been thinking about this prompt for over a week, mainly because I struggle to talk positively about myself. I decided to write instead about the part of myself that I think is the strongest. It might not always be a positive thing but it is still the strongest part of me, my mind. It has the power to build me up, or bring me crashing down.I think of the brain and the mind as two different things. It sounds strange and probably like I am splitting hairs. However I think that the brain is more the mechanics and the mind is the feelings. It’s the fears, the triumphs and the chatter. Whereas the brain does the outside stuff, the walking, the talking and the doing.
When I first started this blog I didn’t reveal what mental illness I had been diagnosed with. I left it as a kind of vague depression with self harm tendencies. I was worried about revealing that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. I was buying into the stigma that I was fighting. There was also the worry that I would be boxed in by my diagnosis.For many years I struggled with my sense of self and where my place is in the world. My place in this world is something I still struggle with but I don’t struggle so much anymore with the who I am as person. I struggle with naming positive attributes, but I know who I am. However recently I am finding that the anxiety that has become my newest BFF has plunged me back into a place of doubt.