Some people get their knickers in a knot when you appear to ignore their well meaning advice. There are days where it is easier to smile and nod when someone gives you advice, then there are days when the urge to tell them where to stick it is a little too strong.
The reality is that there is no obligation to use any advice that someone gives you, regardless of how well meaning it is. You also don’t have to feel guilty when they imply that you aren’t helping yourself because you refuse to take their piece of advice. Having the whammy of a mental illness and a child with a few different quirks means that some days the advice comes thick and fast. 
If that was my child I wouldn’t accept that.
This little gem is usually in regards to Mr 6 not sleeping. With a lot of things parenting, you really don’t know what you will accept until you are in the thick of it. I don’t ‘accept’ that Mr 6 has trouble sleeping, but I do accept that, that is our situation right now. Fighting and screaming every night doesn’t get him to sleep quicker, in fact it prolongs the whole process.
Just make him eat what you cook. He won’t starve.
Before I had a child who could refuse food, I too thought this. Fuck I was stupid. A child will starve themselves. They will fight tooth and nail if they don’t like a food for whatever reason. After Mr 6 made himself physically sick because he was so anxious about eating a food, I now only have one food rule. He must at least try the food before declaring it disgusting. This works most of the time and saves a lot of drama.
Just think positive.
Mental illness is about so much more than just thinking positive. One of the things that my psych says to me frequently is that staying mentally well is about having a full toolbox to draw from. Turning negative thinking around is just one of those tools, it is not even really the most powerful.
When I have a child I won’t do that.
This one just makes me laugh now. It used to really upset me when they would pass judgement on my decision to use melatonin to help Mr 6 sleep. Then I reminded myself that they weren’t in my house at bedtime. They didn’t have to listen to an upset child who just wanted to sleep. They really just had no idea, and the truth is that you don’t until you are in the trenches.
Back in my day…
This is usually followed by some outdated gem about how all kids need is a kick up the arse and to stop being wrapped in cotton wool. Also mental illness didn’t exist or some other shit. Kids were seen and not heard, there were no tantrums and ADHD was just bad behaviour.
You know what cuts Mr 6’s tantrums short when I have the energy to remember to do it? A simple sentence. ‘I understand that you are upset right now’. It opens the dialogue and makes him feel that I am listening to him. Of course I’m not perfect and when I am 8 aisles deep in the grocery shopping, I just want it done and OMG can you stop talking!
Cooking everything from scratch is better for you. Mcdonalds is bad.
Of course this is absolutely true. I’m not a complete moron. However I’m also not going to McDonalds for the health benefits. I’m going because I don’t want to cook, or clean and I want to serve something that Mr 6 is guaranteed to eat aka peace and quiet for at least 5 minutes. Sometimes there are things that have got to give, and so there are times when I cook things from a jar or a box because I just don’t want a fight.
I’m not begrudging all advice givers. I have gotten some great advice over the years. However if you are giving advice please don’t place your own terms on it. The person you are talking to has no obligation to listen to your advice. They may have already heard your particular gem a 100 times before and are too polite to tell you so. It’s human nature to want to help, just know when to take a step back.
What advice are you sick of hearing?
Linking up with Jess for IBOT!
What a great post. I always say parents know best. That’s my one piece of advice that places all the control with them. I have been offered advice on occasion which has always made me laugh, especially when it has come from a parent of two children and offered to a mum of six! We’re not playing the same game at all! Great post!
Oh the ‘back in my day’ is a classic isn’t it! I get that one a lot! Xx
I often think silly things like this, then check myself and shut the hell up. I don’t know anyone’s kids like they do.
I am working really hard on not thinking any of these things. I actually find myself rarely in the position of receiving advice (not sure why, perhaps my stage of life) and try only giving it where someone has genuinely asked for it. Can’t say I am always good at it, but I am trying xx
I get the shits BIG TIME at the – if they’ll hungry they’ll eat!! I also detest being told what food is bad or not, I too have a brain and use convenience food for just that reason, convenience! Love this post. x
Any health advice… did you know vegetarianism can cure undiagnosed autoimmune conditions? Fuck off…
I wonder what the people who wouldn’t tolerate children not sleeping will do? Say it firmly. Smother them? I don’t get that!
Sometimes taking the happiest way is the best. Why should everything be a battle in life. I’m at the stage where I can argue everyday with at least one child, or pretend I didn’t see it. Lol
I was the kid who starved myself if I didn’t like it. Truth be told, I’m still that person. And I have one in my home and know that there are times when it is mentally impossible to work up the courage to eat what is in front of you. So I hate when people say that too.
There’s an ideal way of doing everything. Mostly life isn’t ideal so we do what we need to do. And thank God we live in a time where we have the options of convenience meals and the like!
Maybe our kids are too old for anybody to bother giving me advice. Or maybe people are just scared of me LOL, coz I don’t remember personally being told any of these gems … although I have heard people say them about others’ children eg “when I have a child I won’t do that”. I just smile smugly to myself because one day they will be a parent and THEN they’ll find out the hard way!
I love this, and totally agree with you. Its amazing what some people will say with good intentions but is actually horribly offensive!
I’m totally over all the food advice. Eat this, don’t eat that. That’s bad, this’s a super food. For heaven’s sake. Moderation. Over it.
Ha ha ahhhh all the old ‘well meaning’ bits of advice. Research has shown that those who are overly positive in their thinking are just as skewed as those who are negative, so for sure positive thinking ain’t gonna turn it around. Love it! My eldest just would.not.eat and it was soul destroying. If I got told ‘she’ll eat when she’s hungry’ one more time I was going to lose it! It took a long time and a lot of work and at times just letting the battle slide in order for her to turn the corner. Great post. x
Oh have I been on the recipient of some doozy advice from people who have never parented my children. Or children like my children.
It’s holidays…just let them stay up. That doozy landed my then 7yo in a screaming hissy-fitting mess at 2pm the next day.
Your kids eat so much when they’re out because you restrict them so much. Yeah…because these children are eaters and they consume food like locusts. They don’t stop. I restrict them because I care about them not becoming unhealthy.
I don’t understand why people feel the need to comment on the way other people parent. I may have an opinion when I see some parenting that I consider less-than-idea. BUT I KEEP IT TO MYSELF, unless that parent is asking for ideas, tips and advice. In which case I tread gently and don’t expect them to implement anything that won’t work for them.
Argh, I’m pretty sure I’ve heard each and every one of these…usually from people who don’t have kids yet themselves so have no idea! We’re all just doing the best we can and what works for one doesn’t always work for another.
My sister was a good one for this….never had kids but always had loads of advice. She liked comparing me to her farm animals. Told me when I was pregnant that a cow wouldn’t calve in a rich paddock meaning if I got to fat I wouldn’t be able to give birth 🙁
Advice from people who have actually been there and have my best interests at heart is warmly welcome. Opinions from strangers who don’t care about me or my children are not.
I am continually amazed at how people feel so obliged to impart their wisdom… when they have no idea about your situation. The best response I can come up with, without coming across like a total b****, is something like, “Do you normally feel obliged to pass judgement on situations you know nothing about?” But usually I’m not bold enough to say it…
Argh! I’m so sick of hearing the back in my day type words of wisdom. Yeah well back in your day things were a little different then. The food one gets me too. I have a little one who will happily not eat if she doesn’t like what’s on her plate.
Ah, that old chestnut, “back in the day.” Comparing back in the day with these days is like comparing apples with candy bars, it’s just not possible! Besides which each of us is different and so beautifully unique, advice isn’t like clothes where one size (or in the case of advice, one nugget) fits all!
Advice sought is the only way to keep relationships going. Advice giving without being asked is not helpful and usually resisted. I have learned this over the years and now shut my mouth more than open it. Everyone is doing their best with what they have and what they know. You are, that’s for sure. Denyse x
I have a fussy eater and he’s been fussy since he was about 2 and a half and dumped his fruit in the bin at pre school declaring ‘Don’t eat fruit anymore’ and he hasn’t. Not once in the last 13 and a half years. Along with lots of other things that he won’t eat or try. I used to stress about it all the time but now I figure he well try new stuff when he’s ready. It hasn’t affected his growth or development – he’s currently 6’3!
What I love most about reading these kind of posts is that lightbulb moment: I’m not alone, you’re not alone.
We, as a collective group of parents, can feel so lost and doubtful of our abilities when these pieces of ‘advice’ are coming in hard and fast.