I’ve been doing a lot of work in therapy this year on interpersonal relationships. This has gotten me thinking a lot too. I have been thinking about the correlation between what we think about ourselves, deep down and how we conduct ourselves and the flow on effect it has to other parts of life.
I don’t think particularly high of myself. It’s not complete hatred and thoughts of worthlessness anymore but there is still a lot of work to be done. I still don’t feel the love for myself, and it was kind of like an ‘aha’ moment laying in bed one night that made me realise just how much it manifests itself in other parts of my life. It made me realise how it impacts the things that I do and the way that I interact with others.
One of the ‘joys’ of Borderline is that I tend to put people up high, above myself. This gets me into trouble and it puts me in the position of not realising when people are just rotten. I am so eager to please, that I fail to see the shit people do and brush it under the rug because that is what I deserve. I am so worried about losing anyone, that I make allowances that are detrimental to other parts of my life.
People who have Borderline Personality Disorder also tend to wildly swing between valuing someone and devaluing them. I find it ‘easy’ to completely switch someone off. I subconsciously set tests for people to pass, but they don’t know the rules so they can never win. My anxiety says that people want to and will always leave me.
Then I look around, realise that I am losing the people who aren’t shit and it’s confusing. Something that I am working on is learning to trust my judgement and not feel that I am the only one to blame when a relationship goes sour. DBT helps me to look at a situation and realise that two people can be right when there is a friendship breakdown.
Seeing myself as less however doesn’t just extend to interpersonal relationships and how I portray myself to others. It also has an effect on how I take care of my possessions. It hit me one day that I take care of things that other people have bought me better than I do the things that I have saved and bought myself. I even have the subconscious thought that it’s mine so it doesn’t matter.
A thought that I have about myself often. It’s only me, what does it matter. I write my decisions off, I don’t put my thoughts forward and just kind of go with the flow when put on the spot. I pretend that it doesn’t matter, even if inside I am burning with rage. I want better for myself but I’m just not sure if I deserve it.
Do you suffer from the ‘not good enoughs’?
What do you do to prove your worth to yourself?
Linking up with Jess for IBOT!
Your self awareness is amazing. I’d never thought about possessions and how they correlate to self worth before. I mean, I have when it comes to hoarders, but never thought about it from the point of view of how you treat items given by others versus those you have saved for and bought yourself. That’s really interesting!
I have always treasured the things that I saved for and bought myself. Because it usually means I’ve worked hard for it. But I never really thought about how that relates to self worth. I also treasure the things my parents, husband and kids buy me. This has been an aha moment! You have given me new eyes in which to view the world today …
PS You’re more than good enough in my eyes Tegan. If you were playing along with Essentially Jess’ naming game today you’d be Tegan the Great.
It always takes two in a relationship. I use to think if I hadn’t called or texted a friend, it was my fault. Well they can do the asme thing too as a friendship does both ways.
Sometimes I do have similar thoughts about not being good enough and even in today’s post, I share how you have to grab hold of the thought and change it to something positive because we are good enough and those thoughts don’t do us any good. Interesting to read about the possession too. Our thought life does affect other areas of our life. Its something I’ve noticed in my life as well.
I think many of us are people pleasers, obviously to different extents. My husband is much the same. He’ll do anything for others and out himself last and needs to be reminded to put himself first sometimes. Obviously not the same as if you have BPD but I do think it’s not too uncommon. It’s amazing how self aware you are, though- you’re very switched on!
I love the way you articulate this Tegan, I think many can relate, BPD or not.
I was told in DBT that my core belief was that I was not good enough. I still struggle with it today. Although I’m not quite as bad as I used to be. Great post!
I think my “not good enoughs” are really that I want things to be easier and that I suck at pacing myself.
I’m a people pleaser and I certainly have had plenty of not good enough thoughts in my life – I think that probably a certain degree of self-doubt and self-judgment comes with the human condition and I reckon women suffer far worse than men. Through your condition and therapy you really have a greater self-awareness of it Tegan. I’ve been really practising the thinking ‘Who am I not to’ do something/be someone, and reminding myself of the wisdom in this Marianne Williamson quote (you have probably seen it before):
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Your progress and self-analysis Tegan is testament to your hard work, so kudos to you. I occasionally have the not good enoughs, but have really focused on this area of my life for the last four years. Removing my social mask and being okay with who I am – warts and all – isn’t easy, but it is rewarding. Still I have my days, or moments where the negative thoughts start to build, but usually I confront them.
What a powerful post Tegan. I am in awe of your self-knowledge. This is such a helpful post for many of us to read, not only to get to know more about you and how you are going but for us too. I think none of us ever quite realises that we are not alone. There are many going through similar struggles who may never reveal the truth because they cant see it or do not choose to. What you are doing via your own therapy and self-discovery is putting you on a path to better self-loving and life that is more content within you. Denyse xx
I think everyone struggles with the “not good enoughs ” at times. I find that reminding myself of little and big things I have achieved does help as does being grateful for what I have.
Yep! I’m hearing you. Sometimes our self worth is tangled up in a mess of our own making. Bron x
I’m still battling with this one, but not as bad as I was as a teen, those hormones mixed with low self worth were tough. My fear is that my kids will inherit this from me and my incredible sensitive personality. x