When fear is greater than sadness

I’m not OK.  I have been telling people that I am fine.  That it is just the same shit on a different day.  I don’t know if that is true or if my mind is playing tricks on me.  I don’t know if I am catastrophising but I look around and maybe I’m not.fear and sadness quoteDepression has been kicking my but for a while.  I have been feeling the all encompassing fog for months, years.  I have been kidding myself, saying that I was getting better.  I just needed to try more, I needed to do more.  If I just did x then I would get y.  I said I was making progress when I was treading water. I’ve been afraid.

Initially I put it down to ego.  I wasn’t telling anyone, even my treatment team because I didn’t want to admit to the areas of my life that I was struggling with.  They were things that are ‘easy’, things that I know how to do.  Yet I found myself curled in a ball with the blanket pulled over my head just thinking about it.  Then I realised it was fear.

Fear has manifested itself as anger before.  I am familiar with that feeling.  I am not familiar with the punch to the stomach reaction of fear.  I push the thoughts out of my mind.  I tell myself that I am being silly.  Still, I want to throw up.  I avoid places, things, people.  I am scared.

I am an introvert by nature.  I struggle with having contact with people.  It’s not that I don’t care, I just become overwhelmed quickly.  I struggle between feelings of wanting to be social and being too afraid to interact with other people.  I berate myself for days after conversations, looking for things that I said wrong.  I’m too scared to be alone, petrified of making a mistake.

The fear is taking over the sadness.  I am almost wishing for the sadness back.  The sadness is all encompassing, drowning my every movement.  Yet the fear is paralyzing.  I’m too afraid to make a move, and scared of the consequences of staying in the same place.  Sometimes maybe it is better the devil you know.

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6 thoughts on “When fear is greater than sadness

  1. Lydia C Lee

    This is terrible (not admitting it, being to scared to tell your treatment team!!) I hope this post lifts the load a little. I hope you now feel a flurry of concern & help that starts the steps on the path to recovery. You are always moving somewhere, even when standing still – sending big hugs your way!!!!

  2. Alison

    Scary stuff Teegs. I have been wrapped up in my own issues for a while, but if you need to vent, you know my email. I am unsure what to offer you by the way of support except ask for help, please try to get some support. I wish I was rich, I’d send you a cook and a cleaner and a nanny and let you just focus on you.

  3. Nicky

    Oh hunny I hear you !! So many times I have been where you are. My kids are grown and I still drift to that place. In your heart you know you’ve now taken the first step back. Soon you’ll remember that you’ve been at a place in your head that you’re comfortable with. Next step. Big breath! Honesty with your team. I’m doing it myself tomorrow. I’d be so happy to hear that you checked in with yours. Baby steps. Anxiety attacks are not what you’re going for. Try to feel a little but pleased that you could write it out. AND post it. Awesome first step!! Sometimes a change of meds is all it takes. See how you do and don’t stop checking in with us. Mental health is a bitch but it’s not insurmountable xblessx

  4. Raych aka Mystery Case

    So sorry to hear this Tegan. I’ve been thinking about you lately. Not having seen you around the web as much as I use to but then again, I’m having a bit of time out myself. Hopefully, you can speak to your treatment team and find some support. I’m here if you need to talk.


  5. Angela

    I am only just catching up on emails and blogs now and wish I had seen this sooner. I’m not sure I have any real advice but want you to know I have now read this and I can only imagine how you are feeling. I really hope you have reached out to your care team at least by now. Hopefully you can find a balance you can manage soon and start making some steps forward. Thinking of you and wishing I lived closer. Xo


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