I’m not OK. I have been telling people that I am fine. That it is just the same shit on a different day. I don’t know if that is true or if my mind is playing tricks on me. I don’t know if I am catastrophising but I look around and maybe I’m not.Depression has been kicking my but for a while. I have been feeling the all encompassing fog for months, years. I have been kidding myself, saying that I was getting better. I just needed to try more, I needed to do more. If I just did x then I would get y. I said I was making progress when I was treading water. I’ve been afraid.
Initially I put it down to ego. I wasn’t telling anyone, even my treatment team because I didn’t want to admit to the areas of my life that I was struggling with. They were things that are ‘easy’, things that I know how to do. Yet I found myself curled in a ball with the blanket pulled over my head just thinking about it. Then I realised it was fear.
Fear has manifested itself as anger before. I am familiar with that feeling. I am not familiar with the punch to the stomach reaction of fear. I push the thoughts out of my mind. I tell myself that I am being silly. Still, I want to throw up. I avoid places, things, people. I am scared.
I am an introvert by nature. I struggle with having contact with people. It’s not that I don’t care, I just become overwhelmed quickly. I struggle between feelings of wanting to be social and being too afraid to interact with other people. I berate myself for days after conversations, looking for things that I said wrong. I’m too scared to be alone, petrified of making a mistake.
The fear is taking over the sadness. I am almost wishing for the sadness back. The sadness is all encompassing, drowning my every movement. Yet the fear is paralyzing. I’m too afraid to make a move, and scared of the consequences of staying in the same place. Sometimes maybe it is better the devil you know.