*The following post discusses self harm and suicide. Please make sure you are in a safe place before reading. If you are feeling unsafe please let someone know. Lifeline 13 11 14, Your GP or present to your local emergency department*
I keep saying that I am different than I used to be, that I am better than I used to be. However I feel like I have lead you on, at least the people who know me through a computer screen. I am better than I was, but I am not recovered, not by a long shot.
In order to receive a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder you have to show 5 out of the 9 symptoms. When it was first believed that I had BPD, I was displaying all 9 of those diagnostic criteria. I was a volatile ball of angst and I was hell bent on destroying myself. I didn’t care about myself and by extension I didn’t care about those around me.
People with Borderline are often labelled as manipulative and attention seeking. On the surface that is true. Our actions can be seen as manipulative, the self harm and the suicide attempts, seen as attention seeking. However I didn’t set out to be that way. I just honestly couldn’t see beyond that moment in time. That pain was so excruciatingly raw that I couldn’t see a possible way for it to ever get better.
I ripped into my arms to feel something, to stop feeling for any reason at all. I fell hard and hated strongly. I spat venom and danced through the streets. I couldn’t be pinned down and couldn’t drag myself another step. I downed pills and begged for help.
Some days I feel like I am a whole world away from that person. Then other days I feel the past come rushing towards me at the speed of light. When I first started seeing my psychologist, she wasn’t sold of my diagnosis of BPD. I had learned to hide it, when the time was right but it didn’t take long for the cracks to show.
Looking at the diagnostic criteria now, I still struggle with most of them. The difference now is the intensity and how I show myself to the world. It is my belief that I have gained insight, that having someone else who is completely dependent on me has given me that moment of pause. I have had to hold it together for him.
I still meet the criteria for a formal diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I am still on the road to recovery. I am still navigating the system myself and I still have days where I hide from the world. I am better than I was, and I’m moving towards a place that is better than where I am now.
Linking up with Kirsty for I must confess!