Better than I was

*The following post discusses self harm and suicide.  Please make sure you are in a safe place before reading.  If you are feeling unsafe please let someone know.  Lifeline 13 11 14, Your GP or present to your local emergency department*

I keep saying that I am different than I used to be, that I am better than I used to be.  However I feel like I have lead you on, at least the people who know me through a computer screen.  I am better than I was, but I am not recovered, not by a long shot.better

In order to receive a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder you have to show 5 out of the 9 symptoms.  When it was first believed that I had BPD, I was displaying all 9 of those diagnostic criteria.  I was a volatile ball of angst and I was hell bent on destroying myself.  I didn’t care about myself and by extension I didn’t care about those around me.

People with Borderline are often labelled as manipulative and attention seeking.  On the surface that is true.  Our actions can be seen as manipulative, the self harm and the suicide attempts, seen as attention seeking.  However I didn’t set out to be that way.  I just honestly couldn’t see beyond that moment in time.  That pain was so excruciatingly raw that I couldn’t see a possible way for it to ever get better.

I ripped into my arms to feel something, to stop feeling for any reason at all.  I fell hard and hated strongly.  I spat venom and danced through the streets.  I couldn’t be pinned down and couldn’t drag myself another step.  I downed pills and begged for help.

Some days I feel like I am a whole world away from that person.  Then other days I feel the past come rushing towards me at the speed of light.  When I first started seeing my psychologist, she wasn’t sold of my diagnosis of BPD.  I had learned to hide it, when the time was right but it didn’t take long for the cracks to show.

Looking at the diagnostic criteria now, I still struggle with most of them.  The difference now is the intensity and how I show myself to the world.  It is my belief that I have gained insight, that having someone else who is completely dependent on me has given me that moment of pause.  I have had to hold it together for him.

I still meet the criteria for a formal diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.  I am still on the road to recovery.  I am still navigating the system myself and I still have days where I hide from the world.  I am better than I was, and I’m moving towards a place that is better than where I am now.

Linking up with Kirsty for I must confess!


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7 thoughts on “Better than I was

  1. Zita

    All we can hope for is that we are somehow better than we were yesterday. We all have our good days and bad days and I am glad that you have the strength to blog about your battles and share your story with so many other people.

  2. Alison

    I am trying to be the best version of myself I can be. I have watched you try to do the same for a long time now. That is all any of us can do.

    As for seeking attention. Many years ago I did a workshop called FAT City by Richard Lavoie (frustration anxiety and tension in children with learning difficulties). One quote still sticks with me to this day. A teacher dismissed a boy’s behaviour saying “Oh he’s only doing it for attention.” Richard’s response was “If he is doing it for attention then GIVE HIM SOME.”

    I know that is not always possible, but it shouldn’t be dismissed as readily as it is either.

    Keep it up Teegs. You’re doing an amazing job of being the best version of yourself you can be.

  3. Kirsty @ My Home Truths

    That is definite progress Tegan. There will always be days where facing everything will be too hard but the fact that you can recognise that you are on the right track, that’s fantastic. Thanks for continuing to share your journey with BPD x

  4. Janet @ Middle Aged Mama

    Love this: “some days I feel like I am a whole world away from that person. Then other days I feel the past come rushing towards me at the speed of light”.
    My battle is with the black dog: Depression. And believe me, I have felt very close to the past just recently; a few things have upset my apple cart, not least of which is one of my babies leaving home. Yet other times the Depression seems like ancient history!
    And you’re right, having a child really does give you a whole new reason to hang on tight x

  5. Emily Waugh

    I, like many other commentors here, can relate. My struggle is with depression, and has been since I was very young, though I didn’t admit it or seek help until about four years ago. Sometimes, I am so proud of myself for how far I’ve come, other days the lies that depression tells us scream so loud at me I can hardly bare to be awake.
    But more than being able to relate, I wanted to say that you should not be ashamed or feel like a fraud for somehow “misleading” us. You have chosen to use this site to focus on progress and to inspire and encourage others. That’s powerful, for you and your readers.
    Hang in there. You’re on the right road.


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