The following post talks about suicide. Please ensure that you are in a safe place mentally before continuing. If you are struggling with thoughts of self harm or suicide then please call Lifeline 13 11 14 or visit your nearest emergency department.
I have attempted suicide in the past. I won’t go into great detail about how I did it, but it will say that I attempted to overdose on medications. I was refused bail, and put in prison during a suicidal period in my life because I attempted to rob a chemist to gain access to medication.
The last time I made an attempt on my life was 7 years ago. That was the last time I knowingly did it anyway. I spent the 12 months after that time trying to destroy my life, if I happened to die while I did it, then that was a bonus. That last statement sounds callous I know, but it’s an accurate description for that time in my life.
I just wanted to stop feeling. I hated myself and I believed that I didn’t deserve anything that I had. I was hell bent on destroying and pushing everything away that was good in my life. If I had nothing, and no one then I could slip away. I often thought of disappearing, never to be found again.
A lot of people believe that suicide is selfish and it’s the cowards way out. I can see where they are coming from. Until you walk in those shoes, or lose someone close to you, it’s easy to sit back and think that it’s just so easy to give up the life that you are living. It can seem the easy way out to just quit. Especially when people relate it to their life experiences and their understanding of what it means to quit.
On the surface, suicide is the ‘easy’ way out. Of course it is easier to be dead than to deal with the emotional turmoil that leads a person to suicide. However there is nothing cowardly about it. Imagine being so desperate to end the thoughts and overwhelming emotions (and that is often what suicide is about, rather than death) that death seems like the only viable option. It goes against every instinct we have as living creatures.
Suicide is such an emotive topic and it’s hard to talk about it without upsetting anyone. We all have our own experiences and beliefs about it. We are all affected by it in different ways, there are no two people alike. I think that is why we need more people talking about their experiences because just maybe someone has a story that is similar to yours. Just maybe, you will realise that you aren’t completely alone in this world.