I had an ‘ah ha’ moment in a psychologist appointment recently. Not immediately, it is one of those thoughts that has been eating away, burrowing under the skin and demanding to be worked out. It was a passing comment about Mr 4’s sleep that I agreed with and didn’t give another thought to until a few days later.
For those who are new here, Mr 4 isn’t a big fan of sleep. He fights it with a passion and fails to see it for the awesomesauce activity that it is. It is one of my biggest stress contributors. I thought it was simply because I wasn’t getting enough sleep. Sleep is one of the most important factors in maintaining good mental health and I am not getting nearly enough of it. It seems though that Mr 4’s sleep dodging has a completely different effect too.
I’m missing out on the much desired ‘me time’. It may sound selfish, but frankly I don’t care. A mum needs downtime to recharge, to be able to face the new day of challenges that having a child brings. If there is no recharge, I am constantly running on empty, trying to draw on emotional resources that simply aren’t there.
If I want to have alone time, I have to stay awake longer than Mr 4, who usually doesn’t go to sleep until after midnight. I spend most of the time that I do have to myself while he is at daycare catching up on sleep. Sometimes saying no to catch ups with friends to claim precious hours. I am losing myself to this.
I just want to be left alone. I just want 5 minutes to myself where I am not thinking about how tired I am, or catching up on sleep. I just want this to be better.
We hardly go anywhere anymore because I am tired. I don’t have the patience to deal with a head strong 4 year old in in public. I feel judged, seeing eyes staring at me where they probably don’t exist. My insecurities are amplified and I feel like a deer caught in headlights.
I feel stuck in this cycle. I let him sleep in to try and catch up on much needed sleep, daunted by the thought of having to try and entertain a tired 4 year old when my fuse is already at it’s end. He usually plays quietly in his room until he drifts off, but it’s not quite the same..I can’t switch off.
I’m wallowing, banging my head against a wall hoping things will just change. I keep going to bed and telling myself that tomorrow will be different, tomorrow will be the day that things will change but everyday I wake up feeling like shit. I know this needs work, I *know* what I need to do, but I’m in this hole and I’m tired.
Linking up with Jess for IBOT