I love you, I hate you

When I was 18 I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  One of the symptoms is unstable interpersonal relationships, which is just fancy jargon for saying that people with BPD kind of suck at interacting with other people.  Unfortunately I’m no exception.

A catch phrase that is used often with people who have BPD is ‘I hate you, don’t leave me’.  That is, that their fear of rejection is so strong that they often push a person away because they are convinced that they will eventually leave.  This is at odds with their intense need to love and be loved.

Contrary to the persona that I often portray both in the online world and in real life..I have a very thin emotional skin.  I feel things intensely, so intense that they feel overwhelming, raw and uncontrollable.  These feelings scare me because they can cause me to do things that are completely out of character.  Things that I do on the spur of the moment, without a thought to the consequences, which are often dire.

My feelings are like a pendulum swinging, there is no in between, there is only one extreme to the other.  I can love someone with everything in my heart, or I can hate them until it consumes me.  There is rarely an in between, another joy of being BPD is often seeing things in black and white.  This is hard, especially in a world that is filled with shades of grey.

I often struggle with love, of feeling this wonderful sensation that is impossible to put into words.  I struggle because I also feel this whole other range of emotions for the same person, I struggle to understand how a person really can love me warts and all.  Maybe that is more to do with self esteem and less to do with BPD.

Accepting love is something that I am working on.  Filtering my emotions is something harder than feels like an uphill battle.  I don’t want to live in extremes.  I just want to love, be loved and feel no guilt about it at all.

Do you have trouble accepting love?

Linking up with the gorgeous Zanni for Sunshine Sunday and the ever loverly Kirsty for I must confess.

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11 thoughts on “I love you, I hate you

  1. Renee

    Thank you for another fascinating and honest post, Tegan. Please know that you deserve to be and are loved. Sending big fat hugs filled with love x

  2. Kate @ From Katie to Kate

    Tegan, I think you want what we all want – ‘I just want to love, be loved and feel no guilt about it at all.’ I know I struggle with the ‘who would love me’. It is very hard to let go and accept. Hoping you can learn to work with your emotions without too much work soon.

  3. SarahD @SnippetsandSpirits

    Isn’t gulit such a waste of time, but how hard is it to let go and just be, without that feeling dragging you down. Having just recently been diagnosed with PND I am discovering the horrible afflictions of mental illness how it is so hard to escape from your damn thoughts. Tegan you can write about your thoughts so well this is something to be grateful for and being able to give such insight to others, it is so important. Love Love Love. Believe is my word for 2014. Believe that you deserve to be loved. When someone still loves you even thought you push them away that is love, that is something to hold on. When they still love you even though you think you do not deserve it but they know you need it, that is love. Believe x

  4. Lydia C. Lee

    It’s a very interesting post (again) and I don’t want to sound patronising, so please take my comment in the way it’s meant – While it’s very hard to change these ways of viewing things, surely knowing the problem is half the battle? (I guess slowing down the thought process and emotions for long enough to question them is the hard part)

  5. Mystery Case

    I wouldn’t say I have trouble accepting love (from the right people) I have more issues with trusting and finding the right people. Although, almost married 20 years in what I would call a happy & successful marriage, I have at least found one person that ticks all the love and trust boxes for me.

    Great post!

  6. lisa

    I must admit I tend to fall in love hard and feel very unloved & sorry for myself when the relationship is over. I think it comes down to choosing the right person who gives you the support, trust and love to facilitate that. I love how honest you are Tegan, thank you so much for sharing this with us.

  7. Zanni Louise

    Wow Tegan. Thank you so much for sharing this. Such a powerful and brave insight into BPD. I had many years of accepting love from people. I still push my husband away a lot, and he is just wanting to show his affection.
    Thank you for linking in with #sunshinesundays – you have definitely broadened my perspective.

  8. Ness

    I’m very lucky, though I do need to work on loving myself more, I do have a lot of love in my life, from Mick, the boys and my parents.

    I hope that one day you will really know that you ARE awesome and the work you doing here in this space raising awareness and being so honest is truly amazing. xo


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