Seasonal Mother

It’s hard to miss the scars on my arms.  I’m not ashamed of them, but I am not proud of them either.  I am somewhere in between, a place of acceptance, that they are a part of me, of my past and they make up the story of who I am.  I have to admit that sometimes I forget that they are there, they are so ingrained with me.  I am often caught off guard when someone asks what happened.

I become more aware of my scars in summer, especially since becoming a mother.  I notice the looks that people give me.  I try not to take their looks on board, but it’s hard when they look you up and down with an expression of pure disgust.  This isn’t about fat shaming, it’s nothing to do with my size, I have received these looks when I was a smaller size.

Winter has become my favoured season.  I can blend in with the crowd, I am another parent shopping with their child.  I don’t feel the eyes of judgement burning into my skin.  In the warmer months I become acutely aware of those around me as I move about my day with a boisterous 4 year old.

Deep down, I know that a lot of this thought process is me projecting my insecurities onto those around me.  I know that for the most part people are too absorbed in their own thoughts to worry about the appearance of scars on a mothers arms.  I know that even if they did, it’s none of my business what other people think of me.  I know all of these things and still my self confidence is rocked when I see someone looking my way.

I am more than a seasonal mother.  My parenting ability is not changed because of my outward appearance.  I don’t become better at parenting because my scars are gone.  I don’t automatically become a bad parent because I have them.  What matters is how I treat my child, how much I love him, how much I show him that I love him.

The scars tell a story, a story that is in the past.  The scars don’t write the future, I do.

23 thoughts on “Seasonal Mother

  1. floodproofmum

    It’s a real shame to hear that people are so judgemental Tegan. Unfortunately anyone who is different attracts sometimes unwarranted attention. I am glad to see you are so strong about the outcome though! CHeers, Tanya

    Reply
    1. Tegan Post author

      Yep it’s so true, people fear what they don’t understand, which is why I continue to write this blog. I want to help educate those who are willing to learn more.

      Reply
  2. Alicia

    Hold your head up, if anyone says they don’t have demons in the closet, they are lying or else they aren’t living life. Don’t let anyone bring you down, you can be sure they have bigger demons than you if they do xxx

    Reply
    1. Tegan Post author

      It’s something I have gotten better at dealing with over time. Especially as Mr 4 is testament to me not being a completely shit parent lol!

      Reply
    1. Tegan Post author

      Thanks Shari, I think people have a misconception that because they are self inflicted, they are different from other scars..which simply isn’t true

      Reply
  3. Zita

    I love that very last sentence!! Well done with what you have achieved, I imagine it hasn’t been easy but I’m sure it has been worth it.. 🙂

    Reply
  4. SarahD @SnippetsandSpirits

    No matter how much we tell ourselves to not care what others think it is hard to put into practice. I love your acceptance for who you are though scars and all. I think your boy is lucky to have you as a mamma, someone who has been through shit knows how to keep it real and find understanding in all sorts of situations that parenting can throw at us. Your last line is pretty powerful keep reading that one ! x

    Reply
  5. Kathy

    I think scars are a sign of you strength to come through difficult times in the past and be that all-seasons, doing the best you can Mum. Maybe you can imagine people thinking that you are a survivor, and feel proud of that as you write your own story.

    Reply
  6. Alison

    Beautifully written as always Teegs. Made me a bit teary, you have that effect on me 🙂 People who judge a total stranger based on a few scars tell themselves a fairy story about how strong they are, how they would “never” do that. It makes them feel safer if they can “other” you. It couldn’t happen to them.

    Naturally, they haven’t the faintest clue and would be the first to crumble if the shit hit the fan.

    I think you are one of the strongest and bravest people I know. Fuck them all. And their little dogs too.
    xox

    Reply
  7. Grace

    It’s unfortunate that we can’t change people’s harsh judgment but we can control how we react. You’re living proof of that. You’re an amazingly strong woman x

    Reply
  8. Emma Fahy Davis

    “The scars tell a story, a story that is in the past. The scars don’t write the future, I do.” Like Lydia, that one line speaks to me profoundly. I’d even go so far as to say that you are a better parent for the lessons you’ve learned and the growth that has come in the process of leaving those scars in the past.

    Reply
  9. Lara @ This Charming Mum

    This post sounds like you having a little conversation with yourself. Or maybe giving yourself a stern talking to! Sounds a bit like my own inner monologue at times: I know I shouldn’t care what people think, but I often do. As you say, your scars signify a story about the past, just like all of our scars/wrinkles/blemishes/stretch marks etc. It’s up to you how you tell that story if people are bold enough to ask. Wonderful writing on the topic as always.

    Reply

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