I’ve talked before about my struggles with food. Food and I have never had a good relationship.  I could list reason after reason, point to some obscure moment in my childhood where it all started but that’s not what this is about. No, this is about obsession and the hold it takes over you.
I can’t really pinpoint the moment when it turned from flirting to obsession. It was so subtle I hardly noticed the change.  Eating ‘normally’ was never something that I did. I am an all or nothing kind of girl. I swing between eating nothing and eating all of the food in sight.  Which is probably why my weight yo-yos so much.  Disordered eating is that one step up, it’s when it turns to obsession.
I hadn’t regularly eaten lunch at school since I was 14, the year I turned 17 however it got ‘serious’.  It started off as a ‘health kick’.  Adding exercise to my routine. Then it wasn’t enough. The food got less, the exercise got more. The weight started to drop off. School work suffered. I honestly have no idea how I managed to graduate.
An obsession consumes you. There is no room for anything else. 
You are exhausted all of the time, you pull away from friends.  I became my obsession. Every waking minute was filled with thoughts about much had I eaten, how much exercise I was going to do, when the next time I was going to eat.  Even though I had ridiculously reduced my calorie intake, my thoughts were still obsessed with food. I would allow myself one thing to eat a day. I would spend hours thinking about what that one piece of food could be.
I rarely slept. If I ate too much I needed to punish myself.  Too much could be an apple. I knew the calorie value of a food by just looking at it. My math skills greatly improved, pity I didn’t use them for my schooling. I might have done much better.  Anything above 6 hours sleep during the week and I was doing well. No wonder I was a bundle of nerves.  Going off at the slightest thing.  My body was starving of all the essentials it needed and all I saw was things to make me push harder. 
It seemed to end as soon as it started. Sneaking away like a thief in the night. 
Linking up with #IBOT

4 thoughts on “Obsession

  1. littlebirdlittlebee.com

    Very hard situation and one I flirted with as a teen although thankfully never as seriously as this. I do remember days when I could instantly recall the fat content of anything put in front of me.

  2. Azara

    I had this exact experience in university, and one day it just went away as you so eloquently put it, “like a thief in the night”. I’ve let my weight get out of control again in the last few (child-bearing) years, and am struggling once again with that “all or nothing” feeling. So frustrating.

    Visiting from IBOT.


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