I’ve made no secret of the fact that I am struggling lately.  Things have started to take an all new ‘low’ though and something has to give.
I’m barely making the basic living needs of both Devil Spawn and I.  I am barely able to get out of bed each morning. This shit is mother fucking hard and I’m sick of everything being an effort.
I nap most of the day, to avoid the reality that is my life at the moment.  I close my eyes and pretend it doesn’t exist.  I ignore Devil Spawn.  It’s just too hard.  Then I stay awake most of the night, relishing the alone time.  If Devil spawn has gone to sleep at a reasonable time that is.
I struggle to cook dinner.  Devil Spawn and I are living mostly on a diet of take away and sandwiches.  This is not something I am proud of. I do want to change it.  I’m taking small steps. Teeny, tiny smaller than baby steps.  It’s just so hard when your entire body feels like it is made of cement.  It’s an effort just to get up.
Personal hygiene has fallen to the wayside. Anything that takes too much energy is cast aside.  I feel dirty. I don’t care. I don’t see the point. I don’t care enough about myself.  If I could I would stay in bed all day, in my pyjamas, staring at the ceiling. I’m done. I can’t do it.
Today was the first day in a long time that the feelings bordered on unbearable.  I relied on closing my eyes and pretending the world didn’t exist.  I contemplated hurting myself. I felt sick at the thought. I hung onto that feeling.  It didn’t help.  I scoured the house, looking for something to use as a ‘bandage’. My perfection, the only thing stepping in the way.  I held onto that thought for dear life.  I considered calling the Crisis Team and we all know how fruitless that would have been. That is how ‘real’ shit got.  It was unbearable.  The only thing that kept me going was my ability to close my eyes…pretend it didn’t exist.
I’m holding on by a thread. Things have to change. I just don’t know how.

10 thoughts on “Unbearable

  1. EssentiallyJess

    Oh Tegan, I didn’t realise that it was this bad. Good on yo though for resisting the urge to hurt yourself. Don’t worry too much about the food or showering; just do what you can.
    Wish I could make it better with some nice words. XXX

  2. Ang

    I’m not even going to ‘know how you feel’ this comment because I haven’t experienced much of what you have, but we too have been in a rut. One of lazy or late dinners and dishes being done every 2ish days or when we run out of something and breakfast not being cleaned up until it is time for the next meal 🙁 I can truly relate to that, and although I am not napping, I find myself on fb way too much just rereading the same stuff because if I get off, I have to face the reality that is. I am always only a phone call away – even if I can’t relate to everything I am still only a 15minute drive away and regardless of what I am going through, I am happy to come and distract you from your reality or even moreso – help you through it. As wrong as it is, I am always more willing to do others’ dishes over my own. I know you have people you can talk to, but if you want someone to come to you, then I am there. Devil spawn, his accomplice and their apprentice can all think that the world is theirs and that we came for them to play 🙂

  3. Mandy @makemeupmandy

    Hi Tegan, I know no words can actually make your situation better. But I want you to know that I really feel pain in my heart as I read. Because I have been there too. I have spent nights walking the roads, ignoring my own safety and sobbing as I chat inaudibly to a Lifeline operator. It really sucks when you hit rock bottom like that and just dont want to get out of bed or eat or do anything. It is just so hard but I just want you to know that there are people like me who do care about what you are going through even though we have never met. Please don’t give up and i’m so glad you are just taking it step by step. I hope you feel better soon, as powerless as my words may be XXXXX

  4. Jessie Jones

    Hey Tegan, IT DOES GET BETTER. I was right there earlier this year. Couldn’t be arsed showering, eating the right food, getting out of bed. The only way to go now is up. You can make it better and you will. It may take time, but you will get there. I feel immensely for you that you don’t seem to be able to get the help you need. People are around you and will help you. They may not be physically present but will always be at the other end of a phone line, or internet connection. Just messaged you my numbers. Use them whenever you need. Thinking of you. Jessie Wren.

  5. Robomum

    It’s easy to stay in PJs all day and stare at the ceiling, at a screen, out the window… And do nothing.

    There’s a glimmer of hope in that you’ve taken to the keyboard and let us all know. And we’ve listened.

    When you feel you can, pick up the phone and say whatever you want. It does help.

    We all know this dog takes baby steps. Take care. XX

  6. ann

    Baby steps are better than no steps. But this feels like more than baby steps, this post is huge it shows you are ready to make things happen. Like Robomum says we are listening and judging by the state of the mental health system “we” are probzbly more likely to give you the support you need. I hope this is a turning point and things start moving up.


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