Death by sleep deprivation

DS has been sleeping like an absolute shit head for the last seems like forever few months.  Most nights I wonder if he is trying to kill me by sleep deprivation.
Some places have been known to use sleep deprivation as a method of torture.  Mothers everywhere endure it all the time. We’re told to take a cup of cement and suck it up.  We have to go about our day pretending that we are functioning human beings.  
Before DS I couldn’t sleep for 5 days.  5 days of utter hell. 5 days of sandpaper eyes.  5 days of snapping psyche. 5 days of writing.  The only relief was a dr who finally believed me when I said I wasn’t a drug chaser, I was just tired and couldn’t sleep.  It had taken me 3 nights of sitting at ED, only to be told you are a drug addict, go away, to get to that point. I was delirious and probably looked like I was high as a kite.  

I can sometimes find myself returning to that state when we are surviving on 6 hours of broken sleep.  My psyche seems so much more fragile now.  The smallest thing makes me snap.  I can feel myself spiralling. I can feel myself wanting to run away.

DP told me on the weekend that I just need to calm the fuck down.  He doesn’t have a clue what the shit I put up with on a regular basis is. He sees a snap shot.  His idea of ‘helping’ is playing with Dyllan while I do every-fucking-thing else.  I can’t even have a shower on my own, ever.  DP complains that I don’t let him go to the toilet by himself while we are at his place.  After I death stare him into the ground I utter 4 simple words. Welcome. To. My. World.

We are seeing a child health nurse who I am hoping will help us with the sleep dodging.  I’m willing to try anything at this stage.  Absolutely anything.

One thought on “Death by sleep deprivation

  1. ann

    hang in there. my baby nurse was a bitch when it came to sleep i just ended up bashing my head against a wall as my biggest did not conform to all their ideas!!


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