This is probably going to be a post of verbal diarrhoea because my head feels all over the place at the moment and some days I am having trouble gathering everything together.
Ever felt like the world is too noisy? That every sound grates against your every fibre? That everything startles you? This is the feeling I have been having lately. Not even tranquilisers are dulling it. All I can do is close my eyes and hope the world is a little less ‘noisy’ when I open them. For the record it rarely works. The ‘noise’ still grates on me, I still feel tense.
It sucks being the ‘bad’ parent but someones gotta do it right. Someone has to be the kill joy. I just wish it wasn’t me, or at least that sometimes Major Man wasn’t always the ‘fun’ one. I’ve found myself being quiet when he is disciplining him to let him feel what its like to be constantly not listened to. I think its more for my benefit to know that its not just me. He doesn’t listen to daddy too.
I signed up for weight watchers a couple of weeks ago and its well, its hit a plateau. I’ve really lost my weight loss mojo. I lost 30kgs, then have now put close to 10 back on. Yet I still eat crap. I bought a block of chocolate today…..WHY?????? I feel bad about not losing weight but it doesn’t stop the hand to mouth with the crap food.
I’ve lost life mojo I think. I’m really struggling to rein it back in. Even Major Man has really noticed the difference. He keeps asking what’s wrong, I keep smiling and saying nothing. The truth is I have no fucking idea! Is this something that is just always going to float above me and there is nothing I can do? I’m sleeping 10+ hours a night and still feel tired all the time. I could lay in bed all day just staring at the ceiling….instead I sit on the couch staring at the tv.
Ugh – been there!
Living through Complex PTSD – a nice title that attempts to round up all my little idiosyncrasies – it is a tough balancing act. Yep, I can talk about the abuse – but the after? that is harder. It is still raw. Even now when I am in a really good place, it still is there – beating under the covers, threatening to pop it’s head up at a moment’s notice.
It is fucking hard.
But you are not the only one!