I’m not sure exactly why I am starting this or how long I will keep it up….if past performance is anything to go by about a week.

I’m a mum but I don’t think I should be.  I’ve never said that out loud before.  I’ve never admitted that I really really don’t know if I can do this.  That I am so glad when I drop him off at daycare because I almost feel like I can breathe again.  I’ll never admit that…what kind of person would that make me out to be.

Some days are better than others….some days are much much worse than others.  Some days I just want to shut my door and pretend no one else exists.  He deserves better than this, he deserves a mum that isn’t angry ALL. OF. THE. TIME.  I want to fix it, I want to be that mum he deserves, he needs.  I just don’t know where to begin.  How do you fix something that has been broken for so long…

28 thoughts on “

  1. Princess Jo

    Let go of the broken – create new. I think we, as women, don’t give ourselves enough credit.

    If you’re going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill

    Reply
  2. Kirsty @ My Home Truths

    Tegan, I can feel the raw pain through your words. If it’s any comfort, I feel the same way at times. I really do and I detest myself for it. Yet I can’t control it. It sucks.

    I hope you have moved forward from here and I look forward to following your journey more closely from here on in. Thanks so much for linking up with I Must Confess this week!

    Reply
  3. Me

    By taking it one step at a time. I hope that things improved for you – take care and lotsa hugs !
    Have the best day that you can !
    Me

    Reply
  4. Renee at Mummy, Wife, Me

    Wow. Such a raw and honest post. I’ve said it out loud before that I don’t think I should be or am good enough to be a mum. It is such a bloody hard job, but in reality we’re totally kicking arse at it. After I read virtually everything you write, I want to give you a hug!

    Reply
    1. Tegan Post author

      I think that I have come to a place now that I am more comfortable saying out loud ‘hey I have no idea what I am doing, but that’s ok’.

      Reply
  5. Kylez @ A Study in Contradictions

    I have felt like that so many times in the past 21 months, what kind of idiot was I to think I had any right to be a Mum. They certainly don’t tell you in the books just how damn hard it can be.

    I’m glad you kept blogging for longer than a week!

    Reply
    1. Tegan Post author

      I don’t think that I would. As hard as I find it every single day, I know that I would be in a much worse place without Mr 4.

      Reply
    1. Tegan Post author

      I was only saying to Rach the other night that whenever I am feeling like a shitty parent I go and have a look at Parenting Fails Blog and feel better that I’m not a complete fucktard

      Reply
  6. Mrs Holsby

    Fark. Wow. That first one came at just the right time. I fucking LOVE how raw it is. You are.

    The thing about writing and blogging is the more viscera you reveal, the more people relate because they’re just like you. Aren’t we?

    Keep being amazing.

    Reply
    1. Tegan Post author

      Yep it’s so true. The blogs that keep drawing me back are the ones that offer glimpses into their psyche.

      Reply
  7. Sarah@Slapdash Mama

    Holy shit. I want to hug you. Think how far you have come since this post T!!! ANd I am telling you, I feel like this REGULARLY. I am not kidding. xxxxxxxx

    Reply
  8. Clairzilla

    Thank you for blogging. I have read some of your posts in the past about the way you have been treated in hospitals and I think it’s great that you have the guts to be so honest. Our society needs more people like you to normalise mental illness, considering the 2007 statistics were that 20% of all Australians have a formally diagnosed mental illness. I daresay the figure is higher now, however then there are all the people who live without diagnosis for fear of the stigma they might have to live with.

    Reply
  9. Pingback: Anyone seen my brain? | Musings of the Misguided

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