Why vodka and I are no longer BFFs

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Almost 18 months ago I made the decision to cut back on my drinking.  I didn’t want to give up completely, but I did want to cut back.  Vodka and I had been best friends forever (BFF) for a long time, but it got to the point where I knew that something had to give.  The relationship wasn’t working anymore, it had become toxic.

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It’s OK if you don’t miss your child

I don't miss my child

I have a controversial confession to make, I don’t always miss my son when I am not spending time with him.  For a long time I felt guilty about it because I thought that it proved that I didn’t have a bond with my son.  It sounds strange when I write it down, I’m feeling guilty about not feeling guilty.When I organise to have child free time I do it with people who I trust.  I know that he is safe when I am not with him and that the people he is spending time with care about his well being.  I wouldn’t leave him if they didn’t.  So it suddenly occurred to me a couple of years ago, that I didn’t need to feel guilty when he was spending time with other people.

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All the things I didn’t say…

the things left unsaid

There are so many times I wish that I could go back and say all of the things that I think about now.  It’s the snappy response to an insult.  The words that were on the tip of your tongue until the moment passed.  The words that you know would hurt eventually, even if they gave you a fleeting moment of triumph.I carry out full conversations in my head.  Not in a hearing voices type way, I know the person isn’t really there, but in a way that I feel helps me prepare for a conversation.  The trouble with having a two sided conversation in your head, when both sides are you, is that it’s not really a two sided conversation.  Assumptions about responses are made and there are times when I find myself pissed off at Paul because of an imaginary argument we had.

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