Hello, hello! It’s almost the weekend woo! Grab a drink, sit down and share a tale. This week I want to know about your Silly Season Traditions.
I’m taking the easy way out and telling my story in pictures. Each year, since Mr 4 was a tiny 4 month old, we have gone and got a Santa photo. I realised when I was putting this post together that we didn’t have one for 2011 because we were flooded in at my parents house.
I also like dressing him up in cute little Christmas outfits!
The first time he wore the santa suit in 2009
The Santa suit didn’t quite fit the same the next year!
I signed up for Reverb13 this year. It’s a great blog hop that helps to gather your thoughts ready for the new year. Each day a prompt is sent via email. The great thing about the prompt is that you can interpret it any way you wish. Head on over to I Saw You Dancing to check it out.
I wanted to write something light. I wanted to write something fluffy. Things around here have been pretty heavy of late. I wanted to write something that was opposite of how I feel, deep down. I wanted to plaster a smile on this blog, keep saying I’m fine, I’m fine. I just sat staring at the computer.
Each night I go to bed ready to conquer the world. I tell myself that things will be different tomorrow. There will be change, however subtle that may be. Then I wake up and reality hits.
I feel like I have been saying ‘I’m gonna’ all year. I feel like a broken record and I am sick of making promises to the cyber space just so that I can break them.
I know that while I feel like burrowing under the blankets and living there for the rest of my days, that I am better than I used to be. I am NOT back to the beginning. This is not square one. This is a completely different path. There is more to factor in. The difference is that now I know how I feel. I can articulate how I am feeling. I have a professional in my corner.
I don’t know what the new year will bring. I don’t know what the next month will bring. What I do know is that I am saying BRING IT ON! I CAN do this. I WILL do this. I have too much to loose and everything to gain.
How are you feeling on this day? Do you have plans for who you will be in the New Year?
I must confess that NaNoWriMo made me hate writing.
I signed up for the 50,000 words in a month challenge back in August. I was excited and filled with anticipation. I practiced writing short stories, working on my fiction story telling abilities. I worried that after writing this blog for so long, that I wouldn’t even know how to start with a fiction story. I had decided that I wanted to write a series of short stories, not really knowing what they would be about or what I was going to do with them.
I had a look around the forums and the Facebook groups but they made me feel ridiculously overwhelmed. I just wanted to write. I didn’t have a plan, maybe that was my downfall.
By the 14th day I was 5 days ahead. We were going away and I wanted to have some time up my sleeve. On the outside I was happy, I was making good time and I was going to meet the goal that was set. On the inside my thoughts were mush. I felt like I was in a cloud.
I enjoy blogging because it allows me to write about different things. I fell out of love with my story because I felt stuck. I had started writing in a genre that I am not overly familiar with, both as a reader and a writer. I tried to rectify this by introducing a second genre. I wrote myself into a corner, I had no idea where to go or if I even wanted to keep going.
I gave up. It was the best thing I could have done. It sounds strange but it’s true. I gave myself a breather of a few days and then sat back down to write a blog post. The words flowed, I felt less clouded about my writing. I was writing for myself again, not for a target. I loved writing again.
Will I sign up for NaNoWriMo again? Maybe, but next time I will go in with a much more clear head about it all. It’s a pretty intense challenge so I think I will be going in with a plan if I do choose to do it again.
Do you work better with a clear plan in place or are you more of a fly by the seat of your pants kind of person?
*The following post may be triggering to those experiencing self harm urges. Please make sure you are in a safe head space before reading. If you or someone you know is feeling unsafe, please call a professional. Lifeline has a great counseling service that can be reached on 13 11 14. Alternatively head to your nearest Emergency Department.*
Tonight on Insight SBS the topic is ‘Why do people self harm?‘. I’ll be tuning in to hear the different stories. When I saw the topic on Twitter it got me thinking about the reasons I have self harmed, how people would be surprised at them.
I self harmed when I was happy
I self harmed when I was sad
I self harmed when I was angry
I self harmed when I was numb, feeling nothing
I self harmed when I thought about the stupid things I had done, I self harmed when I couldn’t think at all. I self harmed when things were out of control, I self harmed when things were going well.
I think about self harm when I shave my legs, when I chop things for dinner. I think about self harm when I see my scars, when I see another persons scars. I think about self harm when things are stressful, when things are going well. I think about self harm when I wake up, when I go to sleep.
Self harm is addictive. Self harm invades your thoughts. Self harm is with you for the rest of your life. It is the first thing you think about when things start to go awry.
Self harm is not a one size fits all. There is no ONE reason why someone, or anyone self harms. The reasons can change from day to day.
Depression makes time stand still. The hours run into each other, making it seem like an endless day. Laying in bed, staring at the ceiling makes the hours go on forever. The only sign that the day is over is the fading of the sun. The days blur, each one appearing the same. The date doesn’t matter. There is no end.
The first step out of bed hurts. The time tells you that you have been there for hours, days, weeks. Your hair is matted to your head. You have been wearing the same clothes for a week. The days run into one another, you see no point in leaving the sanctuary you have created inside your bed. Time stands still, while life rushes by.
You stare at yourself in the mirror. You don’t recognise the face looking back at you. Where did those lines come from? Where is your once beautiful hair? Why is your skin so grey? These are the trademarks of time standing still. This is what happens when life revolves around pillows, blankets and sleep. This is what happens when the Black Dog takes hold and refuses to let go. This is what happens when the depression envelopes you.
The fridge is bare. The cupboard is no better. Your stomach doesn’t rumble anymore, food is too much effort. Time is standing still, life is passing you by.
You leave the house, put in an appearance. The sun burns your eyes. The noise grates on you. The sensations feel like you’ve walked outside without your skin. The people talking to you seem like a hindrance. You want to go back to bed, so the cocoon you have created. The safe, warm cocoon, where no one can get in. You stand and watch the people hurry past. Time is standing still, life is passing you by.
Depression is lonely, it steals time. Depression makes you feel that nothing can ever get better. It makes it feel that the light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t exist. Depression makes time stand still, while life passes you by.